Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Dealing with death

this is therapy for me, I'm still dealing every single day.

my twin brother passed in September of 2006, that was the worst day of my life. its weird how you see things after an event like that, people have been telling me since it happened that time heals wounds, and many other cliche statements like that but i say bullshit. I feel just as raw and hurt today as i did the day after we buried him.

my brother's name was Mike, and its funny how growing up with someone shapes how you are, me and my brother butted heads big time through our teens, but when we hit about 19, 20, i think we started to get it. we were like best friends, not the kind of best friends that talked constantly but we talked at least twice a day, silly stuff too, he would chirp me in the morning (nextel whaddup lol) and call me at night just to call me a fag or something (no disrespect to people who live an alternative lifestyle, its a black thing just leave it there). I really am at peace with the relationship that i had with my brother, and i am so happy that i was when he passed because a lot of days and nights would have been so much worse if that were not the case.

I still remember the day I got the call like it was yesterday, i was doing some mundane task at my previous job and i got a frantic phone call from mikes number, all i could hear was the siren in the back ground and someone he worked with saying he got hit and that they were on the way to the hospital, i RAN from my job to the blue line, down to the platform (I'm getting more and more tense as i write this because this is the first time I've recounted this story) and caught the train, ran to the red line from the blue and when i came up at 22ND i got a call from my mom who was calm and hysterical at the same time.

I kid you not when i hit 79th street i felt a burning hot pain in my chest and then it went away, i feel like that was the moment my brother died, I literally felt his part of me leaving, I ignored that feeling at first but later on i realized what that feeling was. I felt really weak immediately after, almost like i wanted to throw up, but i didn't, i got off the train and jumped in the car with my mother and we made our way to the Indiana hospital that my brother was dying in.

while we were driving i was preparing myself for the worst, i already got the feeling, i knew it wasn't right, i was feeling like if he was still alive it would be a miracle. We get to the hotel and they take us to this small room and i knew.....i sat on the floor cause i didn't want to fall to it. The doc comes in and tells us, the low moan from from mother was a sound that I've never heard. I went straight outside cause i knew that room was getting smaller but i guess it was me. My brother was dead and they did all they could to save him. they asked if we wanted to go back to see him just to get a last look, my mother did, i didn't.

I had a great memory of my brother from the day before, we hung out, drove to a mall cause my girl (still with the same one too) wanted to get her nails done, and we chilled. Fun day lots of laughs.

Now i knew i had to call my father and tell him that mike was gone, that was the hardest call i have ever had to make. My heard hurts right now thinking about my father being alone having to deal with that as he jumped on a plane to get from where he was to make it back to Chicago to deal with the duty of burying his 24 year old son. We were just getting started with life and his ended. Mike was a happy dude, fun to be around, and half of me.

Its still a raw, sore feeling almost 3 years later. I have created a lot of great memories but at the same time, i hate the distance that has grown between myself and my mother, even my relationship with my little bro isn't where i want it to be and i dont know the first thing to do to make it easier.

I'm pulled so thin with my family, see there used to be 2 of us to bounce everything around. and i hate feeling like "SHIT , i just want to be alone, because that's kinda selfish" I actually feel the worst for my mother, in some ways i thinks she feels like she lost both of her sons that day, one to death and the other to just growing up, ill be honest, i stayed home a full year longer than i wanted to just to be with my mom.

the next part of this is going to cover the day of his funeral. I hope i can get through it.

3 comments:

  1. I know its hard, but we love u n we're gonna be there for you every step of the way. Love u, BP

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  2. I admire your strength for sharing this, Reese...

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  3. Man, my heart paced while reading this. You are such a strong dude brother. Real life.

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