Dealing with Death part 2

Again i say, this is my therapy, hence the title of my blog second of June, that is our birthday.

My Twin brothers funeral was the hardest day of my life. That entire day was just a fog, i couldn't tell you the names of 10 people i met that day who had come out to pay their respect to our family on our first of many days of sadness.

I didn't want to ride in the limo, I got my buddy tony to drive me in my brothers brand New Subaru WRX STi. that was his dream car and he got it a couple of weeks after our 24th birthday and i figured it was fitting to come there in that because he had worked so hard to get that car.

Arriving at the funeral home my breath was taken away, there were so many people, i stayed outside because the wake was open casket and i did NOT want to see my brother like that, i had a great last memory of him and i didn't want to lose that in looking at him laid in a coffin.

I remember feeling good when we got there because it was SO crowded, i mean PACKED! it was weird because i knew that in one way or another he had touched all of their lives enough for them to come out and support my family on what had become the worst week of all of our lives. I tried to sit with my family, honestly i did, i walked in and started walking to the front. my dad stood and i saw something Id never seen in my life...tears in his eyes and he hugged me. i swear the room started spinning and i couldn't do it, i almost ran back out of the funeral home it hurt so bad to see the man i admired most with tears in his eyes. A pillar of strength and direction brought to tears. I know that was normal i just wasn't ready for it. i got back into the funeral home but i stood, in the back with a bunch of my lifelong friends. I felt as if they were literally holding me up, my soul was jello.

Much of the funeral i don't remember because my mind was in a fog, i kept thinking that maybe this was a bad joke God was playing on me because i had lost my other brother (Murad) in 8th grade and now at 24 i was losing my twin.

when we got to the cemetery there is one image that i know will be with me for the rest of my life...the image of my little brother then 8 years old, crying his eyes out as the casket lowered, it hurt, still hurts, and always will. I am actually really happy about the relationship I had with my brother, we had plans, we were just getting started into our adulthood together and i know we would have done something together. Its all what ifs now and i know that no one else had the bond with me that he did, even though i have some of the best friends in the world its not the same.

I miss my brother so much and its going on three years, people always say time heals wounds, and I'm always thankful for their well wishes but that's bullshit. I still feel as raw as i did on September 13th, the day after he died.